I sit here looking to be inspired and so I click on “new post” and suddenly, I don’t know what it is I came here to say.
Apologies for not being around much in 2015? But then, my blog is my space, and so shouldn’t I be able to leave my space when I need to?
My space has become crowded with silence; that resilient quiet filled with all the things I dare not say. Am I not proud enough to tell you what I have achieved? Am I not experienced enough to teach you what I have learned? Am I not happy enough to give advice to you when you are going through what I have experienced?
About a year. A year it has been since I have published anything tangible. I have been working two jobs (office-based and freelance work) and doing rather well in them. This has left little time for myself. But honestly, when I am away from all that obligation and responsiblity, I don’t know what it is I’d rather be doing.
I know I have been wanting to get back in touch with the world for some time now. For a while I have felt disconnected from it; left my connection off the hook, screened my calls from the world that calls out to me and tells me: do something with your life, or don’t live it at all.
I have been speeding along at 100mph but feeling like I am slow and steady. I know what I’m doing. I don’t know what I’m doing. I know what I want – what is that, again? Is it freedom? To do what, exactly? Whatever I like. Which is exactly what, again?
Well I don’t know.
All I really know is, life can often be like a photo; lots of things fade into the background, but you can’t deny they are still there, waiting for their glorious moment in the spotlight.
My writing, my blogging, me – these have all taken a back seat to getting out of debt, working and setting up my career, getting my mental state back on track.
I’m trying to juggle all sorts of things at once, but here’s the strangest thing: I can’t juggle to save my life, so who’s keeping all these balls in the air? Cause it sure as shit can’t be me. And I need to juggle work, more work, home life, my life, and the things that make me happy – like writing, and blogging, and communicating with likeminded people – and these all take a backseat to my mental health.
But, if I can get that to a point where it no longer feels like such of an uphill struggle, then maybe, just maybe, I might have a little space to add something else I need to take care of.
And this may be my first attempt at adding my space – my space for blogging – into that oh-so cramped spot where my mental health stays, and often suffocates, anything that might want to share its air.
But I think it’s time for my mental afflications to move aside a little. Let something else take the reigns. Let something else breathe that air.
Share the space, with anxiety and depression. It probably will always be here, but it could lose a little weight.