“You’ve Done BOLLOCK ALL for Them!”

So, I talked about how the agency (named Jane Wetherop. I’m naming them because they are massive cunts) put loads of shit on their site about our old house, saying that everything was new and shiny, when it clearly wasn’t?

Well. They tried to backtrack and ended up shafting themselves up their own arses.

We went into the office to hand the keys in, complete with a long list of things that were wrong in the house, but were never fixed whilst we lived there. This included:

  • Mold. First thing I said was there is black mold in the bathroom. The twat behind the desk tried to school me on it, like I hadn’t I don’t know, not fucking researched the very thing that was killing me.
  • Door fallen off. The frame split because the wood is soft, so that wasn’t our fault.
  • The curtain poles in the bedroom and living room are hanging off. Which I told them about twice previously. The one in the bedroom is directly above the one in the living room, the exact same fucking spot but six feet or so higher. So obviously there is some sort of problem in the walls like damp/pipes/cavities.

There was probably other stuff, but all kind of irrelevant now.

The day after, Dan received a voicemail saying “It’s regarding the take back of the house (why they call it take back I don’t know but it sounds fucking retarded). It’s disgusting, covered in dog hairs and smells like dog urine and mess. You need to call us, it is urgent.”

It is urgent.


Just wait and see how urgent our love can be. (Had to get a Foreigner song in there).

So I called the next morning and had a right shit-fest of an argument with the woman. I hope I made her cry. I just decided that after being sick from that house for so long, and after handing the keys in, I didn’t owe them a thing so I let her have it. The conversation went a little like this:

Oh yes, well the property is a state, it’s disgusting, there’s dog hairs everywhere and he [the man who inspected the property] said that there is a really strong smell of dog urine and dog mess.

Well, we cleaned the property, not to the best of our ability, but we cleaned it enough. I’d hardly say it was “disgusting.”

But it is, we can’t rent that place out to anyone now.

Damn right you can’t! There’s black TOXIC mold all over the walls that we’ve had to live in for the last year, what about the mold? What about that? The mold made me ill!

But what about the dog hairs? He said he’s ankle-deep in dog hair –


So this makes me seem like some crazy angry lady, but she was so condescending, and other things were said on her end but the ankle-deep thing got me going. Who was this man? A fucking borrower?

At this point, Dan’s mum got a hold of the phone and really let her have it. At half 9 on a Friday morning, she was shouting down the phone at the woman:

There’s mold in that house and rising damp, the whole place is damp!

It doesn’t concern you –

It does concern me because it’s made my son and his girlfriend ill and you’ve done bollock all for them!

The woman kept trying to bib in but it wasn’t happening.

So then I emailed them saying how I thought it was awful the way they’ve conducted themselves, that it costs £120 for a professional cleaner, so if they’d like to take that out of the bond, that’s fine but we’re not doing another thing to do with that house, least of all go back in and fucking clean it again. I also stated I was ankle-deeply offended that they chose to target my dogs, since they know they can’t blame us as the house is a health hazard.

So we set up a meeting with this guy (the first meeting they didn’t show because the diary “forgot” to save the meeting. Like using a pen and paper wouldn’t hurt?) and it was clear when we got there the girls at the office had told him about my argument, his words “I’m not here to argue, I’m just here to show you my issues with the property” said it all. But oh, little man! I am here to argue. Definitely.

I made the mistake of telling him my name, seeing as everything he said he then stressed my name like him referring to it might persuade me to not argue with him.

We entered the living room, where he preceded to let us know that the floor was dirty. There was a stain near the door that to be quite honest we didn’t clean off because you could make that house spotless and it would still be unliveable. And I told him so.

He also complained the original flooring wasn’t vinyl, where Dan said “no shit, the flooring USED to be a stapled carpet so we had to change it so we didn’t slip on it anymore.” (words to that affect). Then we went down to the kitchen, which I actually thought was pretty clean because I DID clean that. I mopped the floor and I put an entire bottle of Oven Pride in the oven and left it for three days (instructions say for best results leave overnight). And he pointed at the grill and said “the oven. Is diiirty,” Well, actually what you’re pointing at there is my attempt to wash it normally, but after it not being in use for like a week the oil residue dried up. But whatever, so the oven needs a clean. Next?

Oh, the bedroom. Prior to this, I stated that I broke my back (an expression but still) vacuuming the bedroom but the vac we have isn’t strong enough to remove the bits of dog hair that are still visible to the naked eye when you crouch down and inspect the floor when it is an inch away from your face. He actually trailed a bit of dog hair in from the landing and into the bedroom, and turned around to pick it up and said “this is the room you broke your back cleaning?” so I told him he trailed the hair in himself. Like, a-duh.

He also said the sink and bath were dirty (a spot of dust I actually got off with my finger). Well, I’m sorry Mr. Bald-headed pleeb, but when one uses a bath for almost five years, ain’t nothing or no-one getting that faint tide-mark off.

Then the attic, which was actually the worst for fluff on the carpet in my opinion, he didn’t actually say anything about it. He also said that his vacuum picked up his dogs hairs (probably accurately and acutely noted that his “dog” is likely to be a short-haired ankle biter confined to one area or room of the house compared to our fluffy black collie who roams wherever he likes) so I told him “I could come here and clean, I could even use your special vac and it still wouldn’t make a difference.”

His response?

It’s not special. It’s a Dyson.

So after all this, all the “issues” he had with the house, including a “doggy smell” (well no shit Sherlock, having two dogs in a property for almost five years, it’s not going to smell like babies and candy, is it?) he handed us the “official” letter which stated what they were taking out of the deposit.

Guess what? None of the shit he was on about was even on the fucking letter. Apart from the smell.

To clean the entire house because of the smell of dogs. £150 (you paid £150 on top of your bond for your dogs). Um, so what you’re saying is you’re taking all that anyway, just because it was to cover for the dogs? That wasn’t a non-refundable part of the bond you douche.

To replace two blinds, to re-hang the curtain pole, replace 2 bulbs, replace the bath panel and to clean the oven and cupboards. £120. Hang on a minute, didn’t you just say you were going to charge us £150 for cleaning the entire house? But this doesn’t include the oven or cupboards, apparently. Also, the blinds fell off because they weren’t hung right, and WE FUCKING TOLD YOU ABOUT THE CURTAIN POLE THREE TIMES NUMBSKULL! And, as a side note, the bath panel does not need “replacing” it needs some sealant to keep it in place. You know, that white shit that WASN’T on in the first place? So that leaves…two bulbs. Which cost about £5 from Asda.

The coals in the fire place need replacing because these were chewed by your dogs and the fire was condemned until these are replaced. £190

Hang about. 190 quid for fucking coals? You could replace an entire fire for that AND get someone to fit it for you. Plus, the fire was not “condemned” because our dogs chewed the coals (which they certainly fucking didn’t) it was condemned because of exposed piping. And we have PROOF from the gas guy’s sheet he gave us that nowhere on it does it say “coals were chewed by dogs.” He didn’t even mention it to me when he was here!

So in total, they want to take £460 quid from the bond. Nope. Not getting it. You absolute cheating arseholes.

We went to discuss our issues with the agency and state that we are not happy with the amount taken off. I even said to her “the coals are the main thing. In fact, I’m being generous here in saying you can take £270 quid from the deposit.”

It’s just the coals. I can let all the other shit go, but do not fucking blame my animals on something as simple as wear and tear especially in such a ludicrous way. Chewing the coals? They’re 7 and 8, not puppies. One of them is blind for godsake, it’s rare for them to play with toys right next to them, let alone somehow manage to take off the fire surround, get the coals off the fire, give them a good old gnaw, put them back and replace the fire surround all before we wake up.

So in actual fact what you’re saying is our dogs are geniuses.

In conclusion, thanks for the compliment, but we disputed the deposit charge and we are promptly waiting for you to finally confront us about the charges, since you washed your hands from it and ran away like shy sheep.

Anyway, double post but it’s been like a month since my last one. I’ll be publishing a montly one soon, more condensed, less anger, less rambling and less words. Promise.

Sorry for the essay but come on – ANKLE DEEP IN DOG HAIR?!




One thought on ““You’ve Done BOLLOCK ALL for Them!”

  1. Pingback: DIY – Or Not, If You CBA | The Lefty Writes

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