What Estate Agents Say: Fluffy Language Debunked

Hey guys, non-writerly post today for your viewing pleasure.

About three weeks ago Dan and I gave our one-month notice to our estate agents. After a gruelling battle with the house we live in (mold, poor ventilation, stapled carpets etc) and after constantly getting at them to fix things and having trouble with the landlord, we’re finally setting the ball in motion to move. I CAN’T EFFING WAIT.

Anywho, first off they came and tacked a big fuck-off sign “TO RENT” on our fence (our fence – bought for and put up by Dan himself) which was a tad annoying. We almost tacked a sign over it saying “don’t bother.”

Then yesterday they sent Dan a text at 3pm (which he didn’t read until a few hours later because we were busy being…people) saying that they would be conducting a viewing on Monday at 12.15pm.

No courteous “is this okay for you?” nope. Nothing. We still have rights as tenants, we still pay money to live here so no, it’s not okay for you to parade people around the house when we A) Have things to do then anyway B) Have dogs so we need to make arrangements for them and C) I’m not spending my day off on Sunday fucking cleaning up for a ten minute show-and-tell.

Also, there is a fuck ton of mold in the bathroom and the bedroom door is hanging off so, ya know…there is that.

Then I had a bit of a nosey at the property on the estate agents site (more to see if they are letting it for more than we pay – because you’d be seriously ripped off if it were) and I looked at the pictures they used and the description of the property.

Exhibit A: The Exterior

19422_1746R_IMG_00_0000_max_620x414

 

Does not look anything like this. They had the time to send someone round to put up the sign, so why didn’t they take a recent photograph? This photo is at least four years old because that is how long Dan has lived there for.

What’s different? Fencing – both our house and the one to the left in this picture have 6-foot fencing around the gardens. Pretty important really, because I know some people can be put off by high fencing.

Why do estate agents not take recent pictures? Well they probably can’t be bothered to. Also, they want to put the prettiest pictures up.

Exhibit B: The interior

The living room and bathroom:

19422_1746R_IMG_02_0000_max_620x414 19422_1746R_IMG_04_0000_max_620x414

 

I put these together because they both show the same problem – the flooring is completely different. The floor you see here in the living room looks nice and clean, but what the picture doesn’t show you is that the carpet is fucking stapled to the floor. With staples from a stapler, not even a staple gun. Thus after four years wear and tear the carpet just didn’t do what it was supposed to which is – you know, staying on the floor so we changed it to a nice new laminate-type flooring. The flooring on the bathroom doesn’t look like this either. At all. Also, there’s big spots of mold on the ceiling which it doesn’t show you, due to the fact that there is no proper ventilation in the bathroom.

The kitchen:

19422_1746R_IMG_03_0000_max_620x414

 

Definitely doesn’t look this pretty when there’s no sunlight. Also, it’s hot as hell and the oven is a piece of shit.

Exhibit C: The description

Available now: No it bloody well isn’t! There’s still people living in it! And will be for another two weeks! Arsehole.

This is what it says on their site and on Rightmove as well:

  • [estate agent] is pleased to offer TO-LET this stunning Newly renovated 2-bedroom Victorian Terraced house.

Newly? Maybe four years ago, before my boyfriend moved in. NEW is not accurate when the person living there has had to renovate it themselves just to live in it safely. It is not stunning, not Victorian and it’s not a 2-bed. Sticking a bed in the attic room doesn’t count as a two bed, especially when this room doesn’t come equipped with curtains or HEATING, when the rest of the house does.

  • The house briefly comprises of Enclosed garden front, Large newly Fitted dining kitchen with built-in Oven Hob and extractor.

Again, a four-almost-five year kitchen isn’t “new.” Also, the oven isn’t built-in. I know this because every time I open the archaic oven door it shifts forward two inches.

  • Extremely Large lounge with feature fireplace and gas fire.

Well that sounds alright, but considering the lounge is the only room you have (not including having a table in the basement kitchen) it’s not that big at all. I like the living room, but the fire doesn’t work – they had to condemn it because the pipes are exposed in the back even though we used the fire every winter because the guy passed the inspection every time. Not this time though :/

  • First floor large double bedroom, house bathroom with newly fitted modern suite 

Was newly fitted. Again, it’s a four-year old bathroom.

  • Inc power shower & fully tiled.

The shower is shit and keeps going hot to freezing because the boiler is also shit. Also, it is not fully tiled unless you include the walls.

  • Further attic double bedroom with fitted robe.

WHAT THE FUCK IS A FITTED ROBE?

  • The property has gas central heating and double-glazing.

BUT we have to change light bulbs every month because there is something up with the power supply. They aren’t cheap bulbs either!

  • Internal viewing a must to appreciate the size and standard of this property, 

Seriously, don’t bother. Fuck off. Go back. Look somewhere else. A neighbours shed is better to live in than this.

  • FIRST TO SEE WILL TAKE!

Basically means “WE ARE DESPERATE BECAUSE THE HOUSE NEEDS TO BE CONDEMNED AND WE THOUGHT THESE PEOPLE WOULD STAY HERE FOREVER!”

 

Cannot wait to move out of this decrepit death trap of a house. Just goes to show though that estate agents will put anything up just to get a sell. So beware! Really look around for places if you’re thinking of renting, and don’t forget to ask about important stuff like “on a scale of one to evil, how angry is the mold-situation in this house?”

But anyway no-one will want to view the house because the bedroom door is fully off and the curtain poles in both the bedroom and living room have come out of the walls because the fucking foundations are melting away.

Seriously I feel like this house is made of plastic and the hot weather has just scorched it all away.

Moving can’t come quick enough!

Lunix

<WHATISRANGWITHDAHOUSE?>

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One thought on “What Estate Agents Say: Fluffy Language Debunked

  1. Pingback: “You’ve Done BOLLOCK ALL for Them!” | The Lefty Writes

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