Am I Real, Am I Spam Or Am I Just Dreaming?

I’ve just received the longest spammiest comment in history. I won’t post it all here, because it’s like…3,000 words. No, seriously. It is 3,000 fucking words.

I read it all, because for one, I probably assume correctly it is in some way, written by a person, and not a robot. However, I also think that this person (from a profile in Germany) has some sort of…comment tool? So they wrote loads of templates, inputted some “good outreach” words and sent the comments off to automatically load on some WordPress and blogging sites. I assume this, because the reason the comment is 3,000 words is due to the fact that they seem to have about 30 different “hey, did you know…” starts and many, many “I like your theme/design, where did you get it?”

In spite that the comment is spammy as fuck, and it’s obviously not been checked or personally written by a person, it’s probably one of the better spam comments I’ve had. If it wasn’t for the fact there are about 30 different comment templates in it, I might have had to think twice about “delete permanently.”

But the thing is, person-from-some-shitty-SEO-company in Germany, there do exist out there bloggers who are SEO-savvy, like me. And even if I wasn’t, the internet is getting pretty clever now. So if WordPress think something is spam, 100% of the time, they are correct (it’s detected Ham a fair few times, but never given me the ham comments – where is my Ham?!).

So some of you won’t be bothered, or whatever, but I thought I’d put together a little guide/F.A.Q for our spammy friend and others like them just so that next time, they’ll get it right:

1. Mentioning they like the site/a post

Yes. This is good, if you refer to a specific post, wonderful. But not shit like “I love the post, your video really sets it apart from other blogs” when the comment is on  post that has no video. Me do not like.

2. “Does one offer guest writers to write content in your case?”

Since my blog is personal (interjected with writing things, but still my personal bumf on here that no-one can really take and claim as their own) no, guest writers for a blog about someone who’s life is writing? No.

3. “Do you have a spam issue on this site; I also am a blogger…”

Yes, you. And no, you’re not.

4. Offering something to the blogger. Such as ways to improve your site.

Good, when relevant, not shit like: “The text in your post seem to be running off the screen in Opera. I’m not sure if this is a format issue or something to do with internet browser compatibility but I figured I’d post to let you know. The design look great though!

Well considering you mention Internet Explorer a freaking lot in your spammy comment, I’m thinking the problem is your shit internet browser.

5. “Does your site have a contact page? I’m having problems locating it but, I’d like to send you an email.”

Yes, it’s at the top called “Mail Me” but your spam engines can’t get through it because you didn’t think to vary the words “contact page.”

6. “It’s a shame you don’t have a donate button! I’d definitely donate to this superb blog!”

Fucking do it! I need money for paper and Bic pens. I can do payments via PayPal if you prefer. :l

7. “Superb post however , I was wondering if you could write a little more on this topic?”

The topic of me having weird-ass dreams (the comment targeted my I Have A Dream…post) can’t really be talked about more as…nothing more happened. But okay…I had a dream. Then I woke up and ate cereal. With a spoon.

8. “I’m starting a blog soon but have no coding experience so I wanted to get advice from someone with experience.”

Neither do I. Go somewhere else.

9. “Do you have any methods to prevent hackers?”

Don’t set your password as “password.”

10. “I’m kinda paranoid about losing everything I’ve worked hard on. Any recommendations?”

To be honest, you could use anything so you don’t lose work. But for the benefit of others, it’s probably best that you do.

11. “Do you know if they make any plugins to assist with Search Engine Optimization? I’m trying to get my blog to rank for some targeted keywords but I’m not seeing very good success.”

That’s because you’re doing SEO all wrong, asshat.

12. “I’m assuming having a blog like yours would cost a pretty penny? I’m not
very internet savvy so I’m not 100% certain.”

No. And if you’re not internet savvy stop fucking writing.

Despite all this crap, they actually nearly, almost, sort of get it. Well, no, they don’t but they include in their massive web of shit stuff like:

Hey! I’m at work browsing your blog from my new iPhone 4!

But mentioning something that’s modern (rather than reference a ’96 AMD Processor or something?) doesn’t work on me. I’m not going to be like “oh! This must be a person because robots don’t know Apple! Reply to spam!”

And:

“Have you ever thought about including a little bit more than just your articles? I mean, what you say is important and all. However just imagine if you added some great photos or video clips to give your posts more, “pop”!”

This is a good piece of advice, but since I’m one person with a job and other shit to do and my site is barely anything I’m not about to invest my time in uploading loads of videos or pictures of me doing something like…writing, or holding up a book or something?

So, F.A.Q (And my F.A.Qs were all asked by this machine/person):

1. Do you use Twitter?

No.* *EDIT – Actually I DO have a Twitter page now. It pretty much consists of my posts, but you know you can follow me and ask me questions and shit. Go here for the link.

2. Do you create your own web design?

No, I don’t even pay for the pretty ones.

3. Would you like to link back to my site if I link to yours?

No. Not unless you give me a site I’m interested in (and not a site like yours which is something to do with online role-playing games :/)

4. Why don’t you write more on this niche?

I do write more. A-duh.

5. Superb blog!

Well, not an F.A.Q but it was there so damn much I found myself saying “are you trying to ask me something…?”

When people ask what I do, I sort of clam up. My hands get sweaty, I feel nervous like I’m going to throw up…okay, I don’t do that. But still, it’s probably the only time someone asks me a question I definitely know the answer to, but can’t tell them. And it’s because I know they will look at me with slight confusion on their faces and say “so, you design websites?” or “you work for Google?” or “so that’s like…where you type loads of stuff into a search engine and stuff comes up..you write the stuff that comes up?” (Getting there, but still no).

My role has changed since I started working at the beginning of March from an SEO Researcher to Content & Online PR Assistant. Because, let’s face it, the only people who know what SEO stands for are people who work in SEO.

In layman terms, SEO stands for Search Engine Optimization. In specific terms, none of what I do includes these words at all. (Except search engine, but I, like the rest of the world, search for stuff).

In the short of it, what I do is get client site A to come up from position X to position Y on the search engine results page (so, from page 10 to page 1) and therefore people are more likely to click on their site if it is on page 1 of Google search results than page 4.

How do I do this?

Not by doing shit like this idiot who spammed me. To be honest, I would say about 80% of this is just a robot (which is why WordPress recognized it as spam) but it obviously has templates some human somewhere (Germany :p) has put in.

I wrote this post because believe it or not, some SEO companies and employees of these companies still fucking write this shit to people and still attempt to fool Google with their shitty links and terrible content.

You cannot fool Google.

Google will always find you.

Google knows.

I know.

SEO knows.

Google is the she-bitch of the internet, and you better not piss her off.

Lunix

<LarrytheSpammyHamster>

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2 thoughts on “Am I Real, Am I Spam Or Am I Just Dreaming?

  1. Love your answer to #6! Just out of curiosity, Have you ever asked WP why you get so much spam? I seem to have hit the motherlode for Chinese and Polish spam, some days over 100 Akismet doesn’t catch that wind up in the spam folder and have yet to receive a real answer from tech support…

    • I figure they just hit up buzz words on certain blogs. I used to get quite a lot but don’t see that much now, accept on Askimet, which I never really look at. You have to imagine how many blogs there are, and how many tags, links, buzz words etc and then how many robots trawl those blogs to hit upon any kind of blog comment they see. Spam is everywhere, it’s more about ignoring it or filtering it out to not see it directly.

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