Look, I Found a Police Blog (AKA The Adventures of Steve and Bernie)

Whilst looking for existing mentions for a client today I came across an array of forums and sites that are too hilarious to be here. Such as a forum called Birdforum.com where a man portrays his excitement at fat balls in a discussion and tells everyone to “get down to Wilkinson’s immediately.” And the bizarreness of that is the number of positive “Oh, I will!” responses from people. There are also forum topics where people ask stuff about Wilkinson’s products (like whether their wooden spoons are pan-proof).

The whole point of this post is to show you this hilarious police blog I found. It’s a news update of arrests and incidences in this town called Aberdare (from some place names I’m assuming it’s somewhere in Wales. Stop me if I’m dumb). There’s loads of little snippets on it, mainly about drunken youths and shoplifting addicts stealing deodorant, so if you have a spare half hour or so, take a look at them…they are a real hoot. The main writer is a PC called Steve and he often finds himself in some real action-type stuff with his buddy called Bernie. Hence the reason why I think this blog should be renamed to The Adventures of Steve and Bernie: Crime Fighters Edition. Some of my personal favorites include superhero-like antics such as:

  • THE MALE TRIED TO EVADE CAPTURE BY RUNNING INTO THE MARKET BUT WAS CHASED AND APPREHENDED, HIS PLAN WAS FOILED
  • LAST WEEKS SURGERY WAS EXTREMELY EXCITING AS ONE OF THE STAFF THERE INFORMED STEVE AND I THAT A FEMALE HAD ENTERED THE BUILDING….STEVE AND I RUSHED TO THE VEHICLE REMOVED THE KEYS FROM THE IGNITION AND CALLED FOR OFFICER ASSISTANCE.
  • 4 individuals were in B&M Bargains on Town, Tuesday afternoon and thought it a good idea to take items without paying for them. Little did they know that Bernie was onto them
  • Bernie and I then ran faster than Usain Bolt to the scene.

And also some great anecdotes about female deodorant, Superhero Steve going as far as to give love advice to women:

  • A well known male shoplifter was caught this afternoon who thought it would be a great idea to help himself to around 32 cans of womens Impulse deodarant from BOOTS….SO… when a man suddenly gives you Impulse- ask him where did he buy it from…

And look at Steve being the proper fashionista he is!

  • A known female shoplifter was prompted to return to Barnado’s charity shop on Thursday, 27th,by Bernie and Myself so she couldpay for her new knee length black high heeled boots, with the price tag still on them. She even joked that she couldn’t even walk in them!!! So, there will be no cat walk modelling for her…

Oh! The adventures of Steve and Bernie don’t stop there! They are experts in “putting the hurt” onto suspects:

  • a male had climbed over the fence to the rear of their property and was acting suspiciously….I have seen the pictures but don’t recognise the male, But i’m sure that my colleagues WILL! so, beware suspcious male big brother is watching you!

But that’s not all! Oh no, there’s also other hilariously bizarre stories including one about a couple who tried stealing a saxophone and attempting to get on a bus with it:

  • Today we received a call from Cash Genarators regarding a male and female known to us who had entered the store and removed a saxophone from their stand and made off with it.

    A SEARCH OF THE TOWN WAS MADE AND WE LOCATED THE TWO RESPONSIBLE FOR THIS THEFT IN THE BUS STATION WITH THE EVIDENCE.

  • a well known male shoplifter had entered BOOTS Chemist and helped himself to Gillette razors and blades without paying for them. We spotted the male in a nearby public house with his loot

And my personal favorites:

  • ALL THREE WERE SUBSEQUENTLY MARCHED UP THE STATION
  • Today we recieved a call from BOOTS in Commercial Street regrading a well known female in store attempting to shoplift and was playing up. Officers attended the area and the female was escorted from the area and the female gave the items back before leaving the shop. All was in order then and the staff of BOOTS were happy.
  • Culprtits caught for meat theft. (Heehee)
  • During the execution of the warrant officers found in the upstairs of the property a large amount of cannibis plants at different stages of growth. Along with the plants they found two Vietnamese ‘Gardeners’ tending the plants.
  • We had a chat with [two youths] to see what they were up to and were they were going. Next thing they opened their rucksacks were vegitables were in them. The veg were confiscated and names were taken.

Seriously, these guys should have their own comic strip or something:

  • Officers will be assisting South Wales Fire Crime Unit in detecting fires in hot spot areas within the valley…..This Operation is apropriately named ‘Operation Bernie’

They also have “Operation Bang,” “Operation Freeman” and “Operation Crystal Clear!”

As well as the terrible spelling (purposefully left in) Steve also refers to teenagers being “on the town” which is a phrase often used by youth…in 1965.

FIGHTING CRIME:

Image

The things I find at work :l but hey at least it gives me ideas for this blog.

Lunix

<Culprtits>

Disclaimer: Of course, the old bill are doing a pretty stand-up job in this town somewhere that is full of alcoholic adolescents and shoplifting addicts. Well done Steve and Bernie! It’s guys like you that make me feel safe to sleep at night.

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