What Cats Do When You’re Away

I love cats. Not to the point where I literally can’t contain myself when I see one, but in general, they make me squee. Except the bald ones. And the derpy-looking ones.

“I don’t like anyone”

But these sort of cats need love too, and appearances can be deceiving. Especially when things happen in the house that is unexplainable, but you KNOW the cat did it.

Stuff that can’t be left around:

FLOWERS AND PLANTS not to be trusted anywhere where there is a cat who has never seen one before. I bought some lovely looking tulips (or something) the other week and by the next morning IT WAS DESTROYED. Seriously, my cats hunted the flowers out like they were mice wearing petals or something.

PLATES can also not be left around the house, especially if it has any kind of food or sauce residue left on it. My cats have broken 4 plates in total by trying to lick sauce off. My own fault for that, I suppose.

TOILET ROLL is like the cheapest, messiest toy a cat loves to have. My cat actually came into the bathroom the other day while I was brushing my teeth, jumped on the toilet seat and nicked off with a sheet of toilet paper, dragging the entire roll with him.


Similarly, RIBBONS and anything that merely resembles any type of string item will be strewn around the house liberally.

CAT LITTER is a catch-22 situation. Cat litter in our house gets trailed EVERYWHERE and we’ve tried practically every brand out there, from the superfine clumping litter to odourless ball-like things to paper litter (bad fucking idea. It’s exactly like ripped up toilet paper, except they piss and shit on it. And then take it around the house with them to play with). The key to cat litter is to just accept the fact that if you have indoor kitties, you’re going to be poop-a-scooping A LOT and vacuuming more than is necessary.

SHOES. Now, maybe this is just my cat, my older one doesn’t do this, but my little terror does. He LOVES to pick stuff up and put them in shoes (cue-tips, bottle tops etc) I found a battery in my boot the other day. A motherfucking battery. I’m surprised he didn’t get a kick out of doing that.

Stuff they do when you’re not looking:

Use the litter box. It’s pretty much a guarantee that you’ll clean out the tray, go to take the old litter out, and when you return there’s a nice, fresh tuna dump in the new stuff.

Meow strangely. Cats have a variety of calls and sounds, but when my derpy cat Rook is on his own he makes the strangest noises. Almost like without you in the room he doesn’t know where the hell he is and just calls out to see if anyone’s still alive.

Try to cover food up. We have the cats eat on the dining table in the basement kitchen because we never use it and the dogs can’t get to it easily. We also keep a tote bag full of carrier bags we use for the litter there. So nine times out of ten when Rook tries to cover his food up with *thin air* he accidentally catches a carrier bag and presto, food is covered.

Climb into freezers/cupboards/drawers and boxes. Cats must not fear the cold because I can open a freezer drawer, leave it open for a second and when I go back to it I can’t fit the packet of food I just took out because it’s taken up by a cat. This also goes for any open boxes and I’ve dumped clean laundry on the bed from the laundry basket before and a cat shot out of it.

Chew things to bits. Our older cat, Crow has this thing at the minute where he sits on a box or a piece of paper and bites it, picking it apart, then he spits out the material. It’s like a calming thing for him or something, but it makes him look manic!

And what they think about when they look at you:

  • Food time yet?
  • Oi, you feeding me or what?
  • Yes, I’m partial to a bit of leftover cereal milk
  • Dreamies? Nowies!
  • Hold on, I gotta take a piss and look embarrassed about it.
  • Why you so tall?!
  • WHAT on earth is that sound you’re making? Are you trying to talk cat?
  • Hey, hey the dog did that. THE DOG DID THAT.
  • Yes, I chewed up that toilet roll. I am ashamed.
  • What? Boxes make me feel safe, okay?!

But we can’t really blame cats for their mistakes when we humans do things like this to them:


So I guess the moral of this story is: cat’s are the devil wearing the face of something cute.

But no, I love my cats. Sometimes. When they’re asleep. And when they don’t want to use me as a climbing frame/trampoline/scratching post.




2 thoughts on “What Cats Do When You’re Away

  1. Pingback: Review: The Middle. RE: My Life | The Lefty Writes

  2. Pingback: Review: The Middle. RE: My Life | The Lefty Writes

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