Where is your instruction manual so I can take out your batteries?

So pretty much since the dawn of time there have been these strange things that hang around either in groups or mooch about on their own. Sometimes their presence goes by unnoticed and sometimes their very existence makes you want to rip your eyelids off. I could name it, but I wouldn’t know what to call them. It seems like those people I can’t stand, the ones that are so un-fucking-believably wrapped up in their own “love me I’m gorgeous” bubble need no name. You know who I’m talking about. I am known to call these people Morons, Dipsticks, Spanners, Retards. They aren’t actually any of these things, but there hasn’t yet been a term invented for people who absolutely love themselves and yet fish for compliments all over the shop because they secretly want to slice themselves open with a Flathead screwdriver.

What kind of person, for example, says things like “me and my boyfriend are hilarious. I am awesome. My life is so hard because I can’t live up to all the awesome.”? Oh, and they aren’t joking by the way. They are deadly awesomely serious.

I don’t know where to put this type of person. I don’t know where to put that person who is so fascinated by the orange-colour of her skin in a shop window that she walks into a lamp-post. I don’t know where to put that person who speeds past you at 70 mph only to brake for the speed camera 100 yards up the road. I don’t know where to put people who wear sunglasses in-doors and then think that looks cool. I don’t understand the logic of these people, so I can’t lump them in a category. Not that I need to, but it helps for future reference when someone asks you “there’s a person so in love with themselves, yet they disgust everyone around them with their narcissism. What do you call those people?” and you have an answer for them.

Anyway, that’s off point. My point is, these people who do nothing with their lives other than normal things, such as going to work, being in a relationship, eating cereal etc, not only seem to try to turn them into interesting things, but they also try to one-up someone else in the process. Stop it, it’s really fucking unattractive. And it makes you look like a cunt. I don’t care if you have a job and I don’t. I don’t care if you think you’re well-liked because three people with serious issues follow your ridiculous immature blog. I don’t care if my car has a dent in it and I haven’t fixed it yet. I don’t care if your TV is bigger than mine, if you have blu-ray, if your job has good benefits, if your dog is “well-behaved” because it’s too scared to shit outside. You care about these things. So I am therefore not the one who is likely to have an aneurism just because I wrote a fucking kooky status and no-one liked it.

Just because you think you’re this amazing, funny, witty person (perhaps because someone once told you this to be nice and now their word is gospel), doesn’t mean the rest of us agree with you. In fact, saying these things makes people think the exact opposite. If someone says “I’m funny,” I’m thinking “you were, until you said that.” If someone says “well, why wouldn’t he text me back, because I’m obvs awesome,” I’m thinking, “really? You don’t know why he hasn’t text you?”

I stopped caring about what people thought of me in high-school. And this goes for both good and bad things people think about me. It’s nice, of course if someone compliments you, but I don’t need to be complimented, I don’t need you to validate my “awesome” existence. This is also the reason I find it both hilarious and annoying when I see someone trying to belittle me. They can’t do it, try as they might, they either end up being worse off or else they walk away feeling dissatisfied because my reaction isn’t one they were hoping for. People who belittle others to make themselves feel good probably have a lot more concerns and issues with their own identity than anyone they pick on. This is why they fail at most things in life and why they feel the need to big themselves up to cover up their own self-made insecurities.

But these people will continue to laugh too loudly at their own jokes (which aren’t funny), they will continue to believe that they are this sought-for person (no-one wants them) and they will continue to believe that they are this super-awesome-freaking-beautiful person (which they’re  not) as long as there is one person somewhere who validates them. And if there isn’t? Well, narcissists love themselves anyway, so what does it matter?




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